FOR A NEW TWIST ON MUSICAL FREESTYLE, WATCH THIS VIDEO!
BASIC RULES FOR HORSES WHO HAVE A BARN TO PROTECT
THE ART OF SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."
STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never -- = quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail (just allow enough pressure to get a good sweak, then release aforementioned feline. with that "whaat? I didn't do nothin'" look...works every time). It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).
DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail with your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.
HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.
NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.
RULESET #2: FOR HORSES WITH A HUMAN FAMILY TO SUPPORT:
Shots: Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head, immediately after the injection, and provide a swinging vine. Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth on the lead rope while screaming primeval noises.
Rain: Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or butt beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus/response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.
Shoeing: Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around afterwards to show your human how nice the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work on.
Children: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a healthy self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two canter cues, in order to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.
Marriage: Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity, or 'teases' your attendant with a 2X4, as a prelude to the mating ritual.
Passover: Humans possess a thing called 'a sense of humor'. This is a delightful emotional sensation that is caused by the sight or sound of things that are out of the ordinary. You can facilitate this by providing unusual situations to trigger the laughter response. On the first day of a 3 day weekend, when your attendant shows up with some of his turn-out buddies, fart loudly, then fall to the ground and stick your tongue out. The sights and sounds you provide will stimulate the necessary laughter response.
The Passing of a Loved One: When one of your best turn-out friends has gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require much comforting, as they themselves fear that they will go next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, that produce voluminous amounts of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he's not the next one to go.
Ballet Slippers: Your human attendant will often risk his safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behavior by applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep pressure applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.
Welcome to Horse-Aholic's Anonymous
I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's
meeting of Horse-aholic Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and don't really need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a horse-aholic and it is even harder to
bring yourself to a HA meeting for help.
HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
1. Can you say "sheath" in public without blushing?
2. Do you drive a big truck with a towing package when everyone else drives a real car?
3. Do you have more than one vehicle? One for you and one for the horses?
4. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, clinics and seminars when
everyone else goes on a cruise?
5. If you do go overseas, is it to a riding vacation in Ireland or to
Spruce Meadows to watch the Grand Prix?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors
leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Is your interior decorator State Line Tack?
9. Was your furniture and carpeting chosen with your horses in mind?
10. Are your end tables really tack trunks with tablecloths thrown over
11. Do you know the meaning of _____________?
12. Is your mail made up primarily of horse catalogs and horse magazines?
13. Do you get up before dawn to ride? Go to horse shows? Clinics? [but
have trouble getting up for "work?"
14. If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets
often contain bits of carrot, hay, or sweet feed?
15. When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of horse
they have and pity them if they don't have one?
16. Do you remember the name of their horse sooner than you remember their name?
17. Do you find non-horse people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and
smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life
will always be filled with good friends and good horses and it will never
YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN TROUBLE WHEN....
1. A fully loaded Pick-Up Truck looks better than a little red sports car.
2. Your horse has more beauty care products than you do.
3. Cleaning horses, packing enough feed and hay for 3 days, getting tack loaded and driving for 8 hours to a horse show/event sounds like fun.
4. Your children think that “Bunky” the pony is their brother.
5. There’s just enough money for either the mortgage or entry fees and you choose entry fees.
6. Leather and ‘horse smell’ is an aphrodisiac.
7. The stable is neat, fresh smelling and organized and your home looks like Albanian gypsies have made it their winter headquarters.
8. Your idea of a ‘dressy’ outfit is to add a scarf to your riding shirt and tights.
9. A major crisis is running out of baling twine.
10. When your child’s’ physician asks your child’s height and you reply, “Right at 13 hands.”
11. Your vet’s phone number is on speed dial, but your physician is not.
12. The feed store, the vet, and the tack store all call to see if you’ve been sick when you don’t come in for your weekly visit.
13. You choose a new wheelbarrow and some fly spray over a new outfit.
14. Your new saddle cost more than your first car.
UPGRADING TO HUSBAND 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and
invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will running nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the programfiles from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
The haul to Cadiz went well, didn’t even see a deer,
Am nervous about the lesson, what am I doing here?
Wish I could have done this years ago, I’m so far behind,
But the instructor is most patient, knowledgeable and kind.
As the lesson progresses both mind and body are fast becoming confused,
I forget to breathe, can squeeze no more, my knees are feeling abused.
"Look up! Soft hands! Move on! More leg!", I hear the instructor cry,
"Just a few more rounds to get it right!". Oh lord, I’m going to die!
Don’t stop, feel that, that’s it, he’s doing it right.
See the bend of his neck, feel his trot, it’s becoming airy and light.
I’m huffing and puffing, my legs are jelly, I can barely stay on top,
But also am filled with elation, so excited I could pop.
We take a break to catch my breath, to enjoy a friendly banter
When suddenly my calm is shattered by the dreaded word ‘CANTER’.
I can do this, I can do this, is all I can fervently pray.
He moves so big and strong, it takes my breath away.
Sit back and enjoy it and relax, I hear the slave master call,
As I think, don’t let him go faster, don’t let him stumble, don’t let me fall!
Through the tired, confused haze, it starts fitting together, we’re becoming one
And in spite of the weariness and frustration, it’s also becoming fun.
Soon it’s time to head home, am beginning to see the light
So we’ll make the trek to Cadiz until we get it right.
by Jenny Wood
Top 10 ways you know that Martha Stewart has been in your barnyard:
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9.The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears
8.The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks
7.The manure fork has been decorated with raffia
6.That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket
5.You find carrot and apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip
4.Man and tail hair has been collected and put into baskets for nesting
materials for the birds
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall
2.Your horse goes outside naked and comes back in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps
1.The manure pile has be sculpted into swans